i've got a hunger,
twisting my stomach into knots.

xanga, forgot you i have not.

i feel pregnant (woah!) with ideas, hopes, wishes, dreams, thoughts, you name it (except a fetus). I feel called to something so much greater than what cozy little raleigh has to offer. i've got all these ideas, you know? all these things i want to see play out in my life, and so far i've been given the capabilities to do so. i don't ever want to get too comfortable with how my life is going, because change is inevitable, and to be honest, i welcome it. everytime i listen to death cabs "the sound of settling" i get so antsy and anxious to see how my life is going to pan out over the next 5 or 10 years. then i am reminded that the journey is the most amazing part, so i try to welcome patience into my 9-5 life.

for the first time in my life, i am enjoying the company of a young man that i can envision something long term with (so weird, tyler, so weird.). i have never had the privilege of dating someone quite like this cute little individual. he brings me chocolate fudge brownie ice cream when my days are bad and boston market when my days are average. i am greeted by sunflowers when i arrive home and cute notes when i'm lollipoppin. i have met my counterpart.

i got a dog that i'm gonna love forever, his name is bojangles and we share blankets and a bond no one can break.

last week an african american man told me my backside was the most heavenly and delicious thing he'd ever seen. my life is complete! all these years of eating cheese fries and pasta have paid off, yessssss 

long story short, i am destined for something so much greater than where and what i am right now.

and all of that to say, i am the happiest i've been in years.  i'm a walking contradiction!

 I am smitten.

and he's just a little bit cute.

..i've been putting this off..

but here goes nothing!

i've been avoiding this post because i know halfway through it i'm going to cry a river, but it must happen sometime.. so let the river flow!

it's official. written in stone and in the sky, I am moving out Saturday. I know for most people this is a normal and highly anticipated move, and while i am terribly excited, I gotta confess, it's going to be really hard for me. let me explain why!...

I was homeschooled all of my life, so naturally I have always been really close to my parents. i've always told them e v e r y t h i n g and i can't imagine it being any other way. when my dad has ever taken jobs, we've always done them as a family. whenever we've had problems, we've always dealt with them as a family, a whole unit. when we've struggled, we've struggled together.. and when we've celebrated, we've done that to the max. we've always lived in the same house, and for as long as i can remember, i've occupied the same room. boxing up all my things has been really difficult. i've avoided listening to songs like "tiny dancer" because i know i wont be able to hold it together. so i've kept myself distracted by beyonce's new hit single "irreplaceable" because it aint no tear jerker..

but really;

my family has always been the one consistent thing in my life, and i am so beyond grateful that God placed me in such a loving and close family. i know i'm only going to be thirty miles down the road, but it's so weird to think i wont wake up on sunday morning and walk down the hallway to the sight of my dad sitting at the end of the table doing paperwork. i can't imagine not being here when he starts talking about dieting and gets on the whole "weight" kick. i can't imagine not seeing him walk down the hallway in his tidEy whitEys. i can't imagine not being around when my mom says something really cute and innocent that we end up teasing her about for weeks and sometimes years. i can't picture not sitting at the dinner table talking about every boy we've ever loved and every boy we've ever despised. i can't imagine not driving down Pecan Dr. to the sight of ray singing and dancing in the front yard, or missing out on dustin shaking his hands and saying "Woooooooooo" like he's done for years. i'm going to miss driving around in dustin's car and smoking cigarettes just because we can. i can't imagine not dancing in the kitchen and seeing my parents kiss (sounds weird, but they've always been red hot LOVERS who arent afraid of showing affection). i could list a million "i can't imagine's.." but there are some i've gotta keep to myself.

basically, my family is my life. we are one loving, strong, complete unit, and i can't picture ever being outside of this amazing force of love. it may sound cliche, but they have been my everything for the past nineteen years, and i can't picture that being any other way (and i wouldn't want to)

momma, daddy, dustin and ray, thank you. i love you guys beyond words. you four have been everything i've known for so long (my whole life!), and i can't wait to see what these upcoming years hold for us.

(the river is flowing)

tap.. tap...

is this thing still on?